Dear Madeline,
did you see the news today? That explosion that destroyed most of Washington? Yeah, that was me. I was doing a test run of the laser cannon and, well, I figured nobody would be upset if I got that idiot Bush out of the way. Boy was I wrong. I've never seen such a fuss. I mean you blow up one city and suddenly people are launching intercontinental ballistic nuclear warheads at your space fortress.

I tried to point out that the force fields I've built can easily stop anything they might throw at me, but there's just no reasoning with some people. Of course I suppose you're wondering why I did it. Well it's all part of a grand plan that I've had for a while now. It was meant to be a surprise, but the workers ran behind schedule, so I had to have them killed as an example, and that just slowed things down even more, and well, yeah... Look, the point is, I was thinking about what would make a good birthday present for you, but I just didn't have any ideas. I mean I thought about diamonds, blue roses, mountains of chocolate, every episode of Friends on DVD, but all of that seemed too cliché. Then I thought to myself “I know, I'll get her the world. I mean how many people can say they got given the world for their birthday?”. See there's a little snag though, which is that I've got to conquer it first. Still, my legion of terror reports that they're ready to make a start on Africa, we've got about 2,000 nukes set aside to carpet bomb most of the USA, and my laser cannon should make short work of Russia. Europe gets messy, but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it. So would you rather be Queen or Empress? Which sounds better to you? I think Empress sounds kinda sexy, but whatever you prefer is fine. Oh, also when you get a chance we'll need to have you fitted for your crown. Anyway, got an invasion to organise, so that's all I'll say for now. I love you loads and look forward to ruling the world with you. It's gonna be great.

Your's forever
Dan

Hi Maddy,
do you remember Mr Byers, our head of form back in secondary school? He was always telling us to be quiet in classes and stuff. Well I saw him again the other day. My storm troopers found his house and brought him in for a chat. It was nice, we had tea and biscuits, and talked about old times. I asked if he remembered telling me that if I didn't pull my act together I'd never amount to anything. He seemed a little confused, said he couldn't recall any such thing. I think the poor man might be going senile in his old age. It's such a shame really. You should come up and visit him some time. He's a little bit lonely in his cell, but I'm trying to round up a few more of our teachers, especially that bitch Mrs Carson from art class, so he'll have some company soon. Of course he's finding it hard to talk after the torturer smashed his jaw, but hey, these things happen. Anyway, the invasion is going well, and it shouldn't take more than another week, then we get to party like royalty. Last night Russia finally surrendered, and already my tanks are rolling across Europe. I tell you what, Napoleon would have been impressed. Hell, even Hitler didn't make it this far. Of course the Swiss are giving me some trouble. Those guys are a lot tougher than they look. Not to worry though my darling, for you anything is possible.

Loads of love,
Dan

Dear Maddy,
you know what, screw it! Here I am busting my ass off trying to one nice thing for you, and you can't even think of one nice thing to say about it. How can you be so ungrateful? It's not every woman who can say “My boyfriend conquered the world for me”. Of course for you that's just not good enough for you is it? Maybe I'll just find someone else to be my Empress. How does that sound?

Dan

My Beloved Madeline,
I'm sorry, so very sorry. I don't how I could ever have written such terrible things, how I could lose my temper like that. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. It was disgusting and I'm so terribly sorry. If I were to apologise a thousand times, a million times, it wouldn't be enough. I can only pray that you will find it in your heart to forgive me, poor stupid idiot that I am. I'm going to make it up to you though. I'll prove my dedication, by finishing what I've started.

With deepest apologies,
Dan

Dear Mads,
damn it all to hell! I'm sorry my love, I meant to have the whole thing boxed and wrapped for you by now, but they're just being so damned stubborn! It's sickening. They bitch and squabble and fight to their dying breath and refuse to just acknowledge me as their almighty emperor. The yanks are the worst, with their cowboy attitude and their big fucking tanks and shit. Why can't they just accept their inevitable defeat? It's not like they're doing anything worthwhile with the planet anyway. I'd be a far better ruler than any of them. I'm sick of it all. Every day I just get more tempted to blow the whole planet to smithereens and laugh at them from space. That'd show them. It's always been like this. Nobody ever takes me seriously. Not Mrs Bell, not Katie Bush, not the job interviewers, not even my parents. Well maybe this will make them think different. All I have to do is press the button on my desk, and their precious little world is history.

Sincerely,
Dan

Dear Maddy,
I think I may have made a terrible, terrible mistake.
I hope you're still out there. Somewhere. It's very lonely here.

WIth love and longing,
Dan